June 19, 2013

Murphy, we're through.

As I mentioned here, I was going to have a busy week last week working, going to doctor's appointments, and getting things done for grad school. Which really meant giving up my blood, sweat, and tears... literally.

I started my week off going to the good ole girly doctor. Every girl's favorite pasttime. While I know it's a necessity to make sure all plumbing and essentials are working properly, getting half-naked in front of total strangers & being violated is just not my idea of a good time...maybe when I was younger.

This was my first visit with a new doctor, so I had signed a release last week to get the medical records from my last doctor... but they didn't have them yet. Apparently the number to my old doctor had been disconnected. Hmm, that's strange.

So I decided I would just drive by on the way to work to get my copies (I'm trying to collect all my records anyway since I'm moving soon). Well, some other doctor was in the building. I walked in and the receptionist said my doctor had JUST LEFT. And took all her medical records with her! Strike one.

Then I went to one of the Vanderbilt walk-in clinic to get a physical for grad school. I really don't know when grad school started wanting blood, urine, and every immunization known to man, but needless to say, the visit was thorough.

Right after I got in the room and saw the nurse, I got a weather alert on my phone for a tornado warning. I'm safe in a secure building, I'm not freaked out, possibly because I have  no idea where this possible tornado is. I heard a nurse in the hallway on the phone YELL say, "Its not a watch? Okay, everyone we gotta go! We are under a tornado warning!"

Imma thinking she was a little freaked out.

Then I was thinking, hmm, am I just going to get to hang out in this room while they all run to safety? They eventually gathered all of us in a supply room including everyone in the waiting area and all the doctors. Because of the nurse's yelling, a 9 year old start crying because she was scared. Another lady was freaking out because she was claustrophobic. The warning didn't expire for omg 20 minutes and I'm locked up in here with all these crazies. Strike two.

But the warning eventually ended, and after a TB test, 2 unsuccessful blood draw attempts (strike three and four), 1 successful one,  and a tDap shot, I left with 5 band-aids across my arms. I'm pretty sure the folks in the waiting area contemplated leaving when they saw the results of my torture-fest.

Also needed for school is a background check and drug screen. My background check has been completed and luckily I'm not a sex offender or have any local, federal or healthcare crimes. Yay!

So then I'm like, just a drug test before Bonnaroo and I'm done!  But like a complete idiot, I made my rheumatology appointment right before and PEED AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE before I went to the  lab.  Strike 1,258.  So when I got to the lab and they were all like, you need to wash your hands and dry them in the hallway and pee on this blue water and fill up this gallon jug fill this cup but don't flush or wash your hands again, I knew I was never going to have enough pee.

No surprise, I didn't have enough pee. They let me drink water and sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes after closing and try again. But even after drinking so much water I could've vomited 5 cups of water, I still didn't have enough! Shit. Damn. Fuck.

So I just went to Popeye's for dinner, got a sweet tea, and headed to work. And peed all damn night.

Moral of the story?  Sweet tea makes you pee.

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