September 24, 2013

Dirty Truth: Day 3

Well the first 2 days of the Dirty Truth weren't too bad.  But I guess it's time to get all serious up in here.  Today's question: 
The easy, straightforward answer:  Yes.  

When I was going through my divorce in 2010, I felt like I was all alone.  I felt like none of my friends knew what to say to me.  I was ashamed to talk about it with my family. It was truly the hardest part of my life.

I didn't WANT a divorce, but I NEEDED a divorce. My ex was an abusive alcoholic and he stole every single piece of me over the 7 years we were together. He made me feel like I was nothing and undeserving of love and life. I still struggle with self-worth and confidence everyday.   

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After my divorce, I felt like a failure- I failed my marriage. I failed my husband.  I failed myself.  Then I had to learn to be independent again.  I loved being married and here I was all alone again with no one checking to see if I got home from work at night. No one to help me around the house. No one to help pay the bills. I still struggle 3 years later on a single income from the debt I incurred while I was married when I thought I would always have this double income to pay these debts. 

And it didn't help that the whole divorce process was HARD.  It was not contested, but he fought me every single step of the way.  That's who he was and he was hurting as well.  He chose to hurt me the best ways he knew how - financially and by jeopardizing the care my dogs. 

I cried every.single.day.  And I gained 10 pounds from stress eating and cried some more because I was eating Little Debbie's every day.  I was miserable and when you feel like you have no where to go, no one to talk to, and are backed into a corner - you get crazy ideas.  

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But however insane this may sound to some of you out there, when I was crying each day and night in my bed, I had three furry faces cuddle up to me and wonder why I was crying.  And then thoughts about what would happen to them if I acted on these crazy ideas crossed my mind and I couldn't go through with any of it.  

My dogs saved my life.  

Every now and then I will still struggle with bouts of depression, but now I know the signs and I know it is okay to get help if needed.  I know that being healthy with my mind and body and talking to someone (a friend or professional) is the best way to deal with any of these feelings of hopelessness.  

I urge any of you that ever feel these feelings of hopelessness or feel that you have no one to talk to - please seek help because there is always someone that needs you!

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My 30th birthday is October 10th!  I have started a series called Dirty Truth for my Dirty Thirty: 30 Days of Truth.  I will be answering real, sometimes controversial questions around my 30th birthday!  Keep up with all of the questions and find out what's next here

9 comments:

  1. I'm in the same boat. The divorce last year left me with and house and a whole sh*t pile of bills I'm trying to pay. I'ts a constant battle between trying to be independently happy and battle depression. Trust me, if you need someone to talk to/vent to/ or have a glass of wine with, im your girl!

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  2. I can identify with everything you have said. My divorce came through in July and I still find it hard to talk about with my married friends. Great post.

    Linsey xx

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  3. thanks for being so open lady. glad your puppies were there to help you :)

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  4. I've been to the brink and made it back. I have depression so I know the feeling of loneliness. Good for you for sharing this! It's nothing to be ashamed of and shows just how strong of a lady you are :)

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  5. i've been there too, so many times. but look at us now! <3 <3 <3

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  6. I think it is awesome that you shared this. I think many of us are conditioned to feel even more shame for falling into depression, and that just perpetuates an even more vicious cycle. I am happy to hear that things are on the up and up for you!

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  7. Thankful for your puppies and your honesty. It had to be so hard to write this, but you opened the door to people who are in the same boat as you. I had no idea that you struggled so, and I can't imagine the pain you went through. Sending hugs.

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  8. So here's the scoop: I really enjoyed this particular post - for the honesty and realness. Thank you for that.

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  9. It's never easy to accept a failed marriage, but you were brave enough to put an end to it for your own sake. It's okay to feel all the pain, but you'll get over it, in time for a fresh start. You deserve to be happy! Be thankful that you have furry friends, your dogs, that even in silence, comfort you the best way they can.

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